I am such a better person when I am not using heroin and other drugs. When I was doing all that it was all I really cared about. I was so selfish; I just cared about me. I was either nodding off, looking for drugs, or dope sick. It takes all your waking hours. I feel really guilty about it now because the drugs always came first. It is the lowest level of survival. I wanted to stop but it is not something that anyone else can force you to do. You have to really want it bad, you have
to want to do it for yourself. I wanted it but I couldn’t figure it out. I was sent to an inpatient facility and I was able to figure it out and then I could stop. I want to be a better person and be proud of myself, and I want other people to be proud of me.
I had a lot of issues that I was holding back. I never got over my dad’s death and I was really resentful against my mom for being a meth addict and never really being there for us as much as we needed her. I was always stuck watching my little brother and the whole thing was very depressing. I am not very confident and I don’t have much self esteem but when I was high those things didn’t seem to be a issue yet I became addicted so it was a bad trade out.
We were left alone a lot so we had a house where people could come over and party a lot. My sister is almost the same age as me but she only wanted to use occasionally and I wanted to use everyday-all day. If I didn’t have it I was irritable. There is something different in the mind of a addict but I only have choices in my life if I don’t use. My heroin clean date is on the day my dad died. That is a big motivator for me. I recently found out that he was a heroin addict too. So it is a family disease and that only makes me realize that with two addict parents I have a lot of responsibility to protect my sobriety from the cravings that come. For now I am grateful to not wake up craving and needing drugs before breakfast and I am happy for the sober family members and friends who are helping me move into my new life.